Oh, get over yourself, Gwynnie

Gwyneth Paltrow has taken on a new project: to help Mario Batali lose weight. Apparently, "Mario is the only fat friend she has, and she wants him to change." Um, really? That's why you want him to lose weight, so that he won't be your only fat friend, Gwynnie? Not because, well, it would be healthier for him if he were a few pounds lighter? Honestly, what IS wrong with some people??



Please read Gwynnie's part in a fake British accent.

Gwynnie: Oh, Mario! I have a gift for you. Please accept a free membership to my gym! I want you to be thin. Like me.

Mario: Thanks, Amazon woman. But, I'm a FAMOUS chef! I cook Italian food! I can't be thin! I am Molto Mario!!

Gwynnie: Oh, Mario. I can't afford to have fat friends. You must lose weight if you want to continue our relationship.

Mario: Wait, who are you again? You look vaguely like the slab of halibut that I ate last night... Am I dreaming?

Gwynnie: Oh, Mario. You're so funny. We've been touring around Europe together... You know, bringing our fantastic knowledge of food to others.

Mario: Our fantastic knowledge of food? Oh, honey. Your knowledge of food is GOOPy, at best. Puhlease. I'm the mastermind here. Who trusts a skinny chef, anyway?! NOT ME! GET OUT! Remove yourself from my sight!

Gwynnie: But, Mario, I don't want you to become a Frenemy!

Mario: Here's a tip, long legs. Your hip bones jut out too far, your teeth are too big, and your boobies are too small. You are an appetizer at best. You'll never be a main course! Me, I'm a full on pig roast. And people love pig roasts.

[Image via Kevin Mazur/WireImage for Frappe Inc.]