Jessica Simpson Gets Back at Nick Lachey

Jessica Simpson has finally found out how to make Nick Lachey wish they had never gotten a divorce: by looking incredibly dead sexy all the time!  Way to go Jess!!

  [Image via the Daily Fix]

Funny Famous Faces

[Image via Splash News]

Tune in Tokyo

Whoa!!!!! I mean, WHOA!!!! What in the crap happened to Jessica Simpson's chest?! Are these for real? Is she trying to compete with Mariah Carey? I mean, wow. I can actually hear Coco Ice-T's lucites clicking on the pavement as she runs to her plastic surgeon to get bigger funbags.

[Image via FlyNet]

Relationship news

A-Rod is single and I bet the ladies are lining up! Apparently, Kate Hudson and A-Rod are kaput. But, really, are we at all surprised by this news? He only thinks with his rod and she's either doing movies about weddings or divorce. I don't think their values match up.

In other news, Tony Romo is apparently engaged after only a few months of dating. Poor Jessica Simpson. Do you think now she'll realize she's going to die alone and just get on with it?

And, Tiger Woods' mistress pile is up to 14. If Tiger lived in NH, where committing adultery is still a crime, he'd have to pay a $16,800 fine. Hey, it's better than what would've happened to him if he was living there back in the 1800s. They used to make perpetrators stand in the gallows for an hour with a noose around their neck (although, I think the noose should've been around something else), get up to 40 lashes, or spend a year in jail.

[Image via Mike's Blog]

Jessica sure knows how to talk purdy

I'm not sure what's more funny about this clip. The fact that the guy taking the video called Jessica Simpson's Mom "Mrs. Spears," or the fact that Jessica Simpson proves, once again, what an idiot she is. Apparently it's okay to say "Indian giver" if you're from Texas. Y'know, because everything's better there.

I think I might know why Tony Romo dumped her the day before her birthday. It had nothing to do with her neediness. I think it might be because every time they were enjoying each other's company in the bedroom, she'd start hollering some Texas saying. I've heard that her favorites included:

"Beat me like a rented mule!!"
"Hey, nobody ever drowned in sweat."
"You are busier than a cat trying to cover up crap on a marble floor!"
"Can we cuddle, Tony? I'm as cold as a witch's tit."
"Oh, wow! This ain't your first rodeo, is it?!"
"I can't cotton to that, Tony!"
"Every time I stand up, my mind sits down."
"When dealin' with a slick son of a b...., start off by pinnin' him down and changin' his oil."

Nightmare in Maryland, Part 2,436

Okay, I know I've said it before, but I'll continue to say it as long as people continue to dress like this.

This is what Ms. Simpson wore to a charity golf event in Maryland. I mean, sure, a charity golf event is casual, but that's the summer dress she had to wear? I would think that she has a friend or a family member (other than her father, who I'm pretty sure probably told her that her boobs, er, that she looked stunning in this getup) that would say, "um, yeah, that doesn't look so great. I'd change." Who in their right mind would tell her that this looked good?? I mean, other than Freddy Krueger? And those boobs! Holy goo. I'm not so sure she shouldn't be wearing a bra. I know for a fact that if my friend Jess (not Jess Simpson) were present after I'd put that dress on, along with the gold jewelry, she'd give me the stink eye. She would surely tell me that I looked either a.) pregnant or b.) fat. Too bad Jessica Simpson doesn't have a friend like my friend Jess.

[Images via WWTDD]

All right, enough is enough

I'm not really sure what's supposed to be going on here, but I am sure that Jessica is pretending to ride an imaginary bull. Honestly, can she just retire the Daisy Duke shorts already??? The movie came out four years ago and it flopped. Kinda like Jessica's pop music, er, country music, no, wait, acting career. It's like the Sopranos: It's OVER!

[Image via Pacific Coast News]